When I first began to realize I was in the midst of an abusive relationship, I was in pretty bad shape. I was convinced that I was a really bad man, and if I thought otherwise, I was probably just making excuses and trying to rationalize the reasons I was the way I was. What I didn't fully appreciate is that I wasn't the kind of person that wanted to take power over my mate, but had always thought that we were equals, and supporting each other was the natural course. I never imagined my wife needed to have power over me, and the harder I tried to be a good man, the more she would try to convince me by whatever means possible that I was not a good man, and certainly not her equal. Equality wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to make sure I understood that no matter what I thought or did, she was better than me, more ethical, more in tune with morality, more compassionate, more empathic, more spiritual, more just about everything. She would trivialize any successes in my life , as if those things didn't really matter. It was a competition to her. The harder I would try, the more intense the conflict, the more vicious the abuse.

Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below. If you answer 'yes' to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look. On the other hand, if you can apply any of these to yourself, you should do some real soul-searching. Does she: (my experiences in bold)

• ignore, trivialize, or discount your feelings?
• tell you your advice and opinions aren't worth anything?"
• tell you your hard-earned career isn't really work, at least not "man's work""
• have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
• prevent you from continuing your education?
• criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
• make you feel like you can't do anything right, no matter how hard you try? damned if you do, damned if you don't?
• make you understand that she is "right," while you are "wrong", maybe not even considering the possibility that your points may be valid?"
• ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
• seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
• act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
• question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
• interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
• tell you you're interrupting her after she's talked for twenty minutes and you want to be part of the conversation, and when you apologize tells you she doesn't remember what she was talking about and does the "grim silence"?
• disrespect you, even to the point of telling you that you don't deserve respect?
• ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
• invalidate your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
• withhold approval, appreciation, intimacy, or affection?
• "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
• give you the silent treatment? for days at a time?
• walk away without answering you?
• humiliate you privately or in public?
• roll her eyes when you talk?
• give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
• make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?
• seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?
• tell you you are too sensitive?
• hurt you especially when you are down?
• seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
• present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
• try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
• complain about how badly you treat her?
• threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
• say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
• ever left you stranded?
• ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
• abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
• compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
• promise to never do something hurtful again?
• harass you about imagined affairs?
• manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
• destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
• use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?
• incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?
• frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?

• You express your opinions less and less freely.
• You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
• You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
• You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior?
• You feel emotionally unsafe.
• You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
• You hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding.
• You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
• You doubt your own judgment.
• You doubt your abilities.
• You feel vulnerable and insecure.
• You are becoming increasingly depressed.
• You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
• You have been or are afraid of your partner.
• Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

Nearly everything listed above applies to my relationship with my wife, that relationship now ended. Maybe you are making reasons and excuses why it's OK that these things are going on, maybe because you feel like it's your fault that this is the way it is. It is NOT your fault. That is just the way she is for whatever reason, and it may be time for you to leave. Take a break. Sit back and explore yourself. Discover if you yourself fit some of those awful things. If you do, fix them, then move on. If you have the presence and openness to look at yourself, fix that which is bad. No matter how we try as human beings, none of us can ever be perfect, and some elements of the abuser are present in all of us. The key is to recognize what is in yourself, eliminate those flaws, and step back and see what is coming from outside, namely, your partner.